Those things MTV Used to Play in Olden Times

No big intro here. Just my personal picks for the best (and worst) music videos since MTV's inception in 1980. (I took down all my Martha Quinn posters when the network became Reality Central.)

14.  “Sledgehammer” (Peter Gabriel): Some clever stop motion animation brings the song's sly sexual suggestiveness to life. The visuals are catchier than the song.

13.  “Father Figure” (George Michael): Not a big George Michael fan here. But I have to give this video credit for being so darn sexy. Good, atmospheric photography helps. Kudos also to the actress who really makes this work, not Michael with his self-consciously sculpted stubble.

12.  “Cold-Hearted Snake” (Paula Abdul): Speaking of sexy, this witty dance video owes its provocative choreography to Bob Fosse, whose style is clearly an influence. The flustered panel of judges cracks me up every time. This is the Paula Abdul I like to remember.

11.  “Nothing Compares 2 U” (Sinead O'Connor): Just a tight closeup of O'Connor's beautiful face as she sings this gorgeous Prince number. No cuts, no extraneous effects. Just Sinead. (Art Garfunkel did the same thing years later with “So Much in Love,” which I also like.)

10.  “You Can Call Me Al” (Paul Simon): OK, so not a towering artistic achievement, but the sight of Chevy Chase lip-syncing Simon's lyrics while a hangdog Paul sits beside him just makes me smile every time. I also think this is the best performance of Chase's career.

9.  “Time After Time” (Cyndi Lauper): Lauper hit MTV right around the time Madonna did, and I thought she would be the bigger star. The song still gets to me, and the story in the video feels so authentic that I've wondered how much of the story is Lauper's own.

8.  “Waiting on a Friend” (Rolling Stones): One of the Stones' best and sweetest songs, the visuals show Jagger on a city stoop waiting for Keith Richards to show up. The two of them then walk down to a local bar, where they set up for a gig. It's a simple concept and one I don't think can be improved on. The whole thing makes me feel good and recalls my own close friendships.

7.  “Oh Father” (Madonna): Full disclosure: I'm the honorary president of the anti-Madonna Fan Club. Let's just say I'm not one of her ardent admirers. But this is one great-looking video, based on the one Madonna song that should have been more popular. I'm a sucker for black and white photography anyway, and the visuals here are great. One of my all-time favorite images from any video: a string of pearls coming undone and the beads clattering to the ground in slow-motion.

6.  “I'm on Fire” (Bruce Springsteen): Brian DePalma directed this one. The Boss has a great presence here; he should try his hand at a movie, the way Mellencamp and George Strait did (but with better results, I hope). The video tells a story – working-class garage mechanic meets elegant rich woman dropping off her car. Springsteen takes it for a night drive and ends up at the woman's intimidatingly impressive home. He walks up to the door, and there's a closeup of his finger about to ring the doorbell. But he changes his mind and drops the key in her mailbox instead. His smile as he walks away speaks volumes and volumes.

5.  “Tender Love” (Force MDs): I could watch this video forever; in fact, I probably pull it up on YouTube at least once a month. They're an American R&B group that had some success in the '80s, but tragically three of the group's six members have died since then, and within five years of each other. The song is beyond romantic (that piano!), and the video shows the group gathered on a stoop (yes, another one), serenading the beautiful woman who listens from her window a few feet away. The guys look like people you'd like to know, and the lead singer has a particularly engaging smile. With tight harmonies and a few smooth moves, this is the kind of video about which people say, “They don't make 'em like that anymore.” But they do. It's just that back then it wasn't an exception. I'll probably watch it again when I finish this.

4.  “This Woman's Work” (Kate Bush): This is one of my favorite songs ever. Unbelievably powerful. Bush wrote it for the John Hughes movie She's Having a Baby, which is like finding an ounce of pure gold in a Cracker Jacks box. The video brings the premise to life in a way that's so gripping. Even if I didn't like the song, it would be a favorite after seeing this. Bush is beautiful, and the actor playing her husband is perfect for looking so ordinary. Somehow they're convincing as a couple. The final moments are gut-wrenching. (Maxwell also does a fantastic job with this song in a live performance that's also available on YouTube.)

3.  “Hurt” (Johnny Cash): I have no problem with people calling this the best music video ever made. (I just personally like two others more.) Cash was a year or so away from death when he recorded this meditative Nine Inch Nails song, and you can believe it. Cash himself seems to know it, too. He strums and sings in the House of Cash, a real museum dedicated to Cash memorabilia. Everything around him looks dusty and delapidated, and the video is full of archival footage of Cash throughout his lifetime. At one point, his wife June watches from behind him; she too would die before too long. No song ever matched a singer better than this one at the time he recorded it. The video is as haunting as any movie documentary – moreso, in fact.

2.  “The End of the Innocence” (Don Henley): This is one clip I couldn't find on YouTube last time I checked, but you can Google it and it'll come up. Wow, it's such a visually beautiful video; it rivals the best black and white movie cinematography. Henley sings about the passing of time and the disillusionment it brings while small town images underscore the lyric's emotional power. Regrettably, the middle section nearly dates itself with its reference to Ronald Reagan, but it's saved by timeless homefront military images (“Let your hair fall all around” switches from a young woman in a man's embrace at the beginning to a recruit's hair falling in slow motion onto a barber's floor). This was an early project for director David Fincher (“Seven,” “Gone Girl”), whose very good films would never capture the deep longing of this video.

1.  “Beat It” (Michael Jackson): Perfection. Good song, good performance, good narrative, good actors, great moves and great moments. No music video will ever beat it. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Honorable mentions:

“Thriller” (Michael Jackson): Bigger doesn't necessarily mean better, which is why “Beat It” made my final cut. But the dance moves here are iconic.

“Billie Jean” (Jackson again): My third favorite of his, probably the first one I saw. Love that illuminating sidewalk!

“Wicked Game” (Chris Isaak): Someone please tell today's nearly pornographic grinders and humpers that this is how to sell sexy.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Nirvana): The apex of Seattle grunge. You just know from the lighting and set design in the first few frames that this is going to be the pep rally from hell.

“Every Breath You Take” (The Police): Nice minimalist work in black and white. Catchy song, and, hey, it's Sting. Now if only this weren't the stalker national anthem. . . .

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” (Cyndi Lauper): A great extension of Lauper's own personality, or at least what I know of it. This is infectious stuff and as far as you can get from the angst of “Time After Time.”

“God Only Knows” (for the inauguration of BBC Music): Some of the best performers of the new millennium pay tribute to Brian Wilson's timeless classic. (It's OK, you can watch – Bieber and Miley are nowhere in sight.) This just came out within the past year, and it might be the most visually innovative video in ages, a real delight to watch. There are a few legends here as well, such as Wilson himself, playing a grand piano with a lion on top; Elton John, wearing a suit covered in butterflies; and Stevie Wonder, whose one-line interpretation is like a jolt of adrenaline -- pure Stevie. (He also reappears to contribute a harmonica solo.) You might not have seen this because it's only a few months old, but I think you'd really enjoy it.

“We Are the World” (USA for Africa): Wow, is this a time capsule or what? The singers are a who's-who of '80s superstars, and the whole experience is a time machine that melts away the intervening years.

“Glory Days” (Bruce Springsteen): Just Bruce and the gang rocking in a bar. He and Little Stevie really know how to share a mic, and the late, great Clarence Clemons works the sax like nobody's business. Patti Scialfa, Springsteen's wife, is also here, having a great time with her tambourine. Years later, when I finally saw them in concert (2000, Tacoma Dome, still the best show I've ever seen), I realized how well this video captured everyone's spirit and sheer exuberance.

Best video from the Stone Age:

“Hey Jude” (The Beatles): The Beatles recorded this song in a studio while surrounded by dozens of adoring onlookers. The guys look relaxed and happy, and when they get to the long finale, everyone joins in. I haven't seen this in a while, but I've never forgotten it. One of the few items on my bucket list is to see Paul perform this in concert. I would, too, if the tickets didn't cost more than the national debt.

So Many Videos, So Little Time: the worst videos I've ever seen (listed here as a public service). You knew this was coming.

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” (Bonnie Tyler): Don't get me wrong, I really like the song. But whose idea was it to take the lyrics literally, with Tyler trapped in a repressive boys' school full of kids with creepy “bright eyes”?!

“Funkytown” (Lipps INC.): You haven't truly appreciated the dark side of disco (I know – was there a bright side?) until you've seen the lead singer of Lipps INC. doing the Robot.

“Work It” (Missy Elliott): Face it – this is a song about blow jobs and women who have sex for money. The lyrics are bad enough, but the video features a little girl dancing along with the music, which is just wrong.

“Only” (Nicki Minaj): There are two different Minaj videos for this rap number. One of them sparked such an outrage that I suppose the other one was a way to get people to forget about the first one. That first one takes place in some kind of totalitarian state that looks way too much like the Third Reich, complete with too-close-for-comfort insignias. Minaj's defenders claimed the video wasn't her idea, she just did what she was told. So she's a moron? The second one is more typical for these times. At any rate, I defy you to start either one and get past the first line. If Cole Porter heard this, he'd never stop throwing up.

“Bound 2” (Kanye West): Kanye West rapping as he rides a motorcycle with a topless Kim Kardashian straddling his lap. This is what happens when a celebrity reaches that pinnacle of success where no one dares to say, “This is a really crappy idea.”