Water

I wrote about ducks in a recent post. Now I want to write about water. A logical progression.

Seventy percent of our bodies is water. Experts say we should drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day, presumably to make up for the other thirty percent. I drink bottled water, which isn't the same as drinking out of glasses; I wonder if that counts.

I used to think people who drank bottled water were just being pretentious. "Oh, look at me, I drink bottled water, it's your serve, Muffy." Then I realized I wasn't drinking enough water by the glass. Too much trouble walking out to the well and back every hour. And what about when I was out and about? Carrying all those glasses to fill at water fountains was just cumbersome. So one day I noticed that a gazillion bottles of water only cost about $3 at my local supermarket. We'd gone from Perrier to generic house brands in just two decades. I realized it was OK for me to drink bottled water without having to tie a cashmere sweater around my neck. I've been drinking it ever since.

I think we've gotten past the era when what we drank was an indication of our social status (unless it's a bottle of Domaine Armaud Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin Grand Cru, which is French for "I'm better than you"). Today we'd just laugh at a Coke commercial I saw back in the '80s, which showed a guy on a tennis court holding up a bottle of Coke and saying -- I'm not making this up -- "It's conducive to my personal lifestyle." Coke contains orthophosphoric acid, which is highly corrosive. I hope that guy is rusting in a junkyard somewhere.

Of course, water serves many purposes. I grew up swimming in it. That's a no-win situation, though. Salt water in the ocean is bad for you if you swallow it. I swallowed lots of it when my family took my sister and me to the beach every weekend. It's hard to keep your mouth closed when you're eight years old and a wave that could sink a battleship slams into you. (Actually, they were just gentle swells, but I was a puny eight-year-old.) I felt much safer swimming in community pools. But chlorinated water can lead to respiratory defects, neurological dysfunction, and colorectal cancer. I guess I was just lucky. These days, no one seems to mind when I wear my armored diving suit to the Y.

I guess water is becoming scarce in this country. Most of the restaurants I eat at only serve water on request. That didn't used to be the case. Requesting water in a restaurant is tantamount to hearing "Press 1 for English" on the phone. It should be a given, right? Down the street at my neighborhood ice cream stand, where I go for my weekly dipped cone (my doctor says I'm not getting enough chocolate), it costs extra for a cup of water. The cost -- I'm not making this up, either -- is for "material and labor." I'll bet you didn't know that each Styrofoam cup is constructed by a crew of Teamsters back in the kitchen and that it takes three employees to haul one to the pickup window.

Water is also essential for taking a shower or, if you're fabulously wealthy, a bath. I used to have a bathtub, but I'm on a fixed income now. Still, I'm better off than I once was, when renting an affordable apartment depended on where the nearest bush was. I like my showers warm, but not hot. I know people who aren't satisfied until they can feel the water searing their flesh. To me, that's like ordering chili so hot you need a tongue transplant. Why go to extremes? Same goes for cold water. You'll never catch me taking one of those "polar plunges," where, in the name of charity, otherwise sane people run screaming with glee into water so cold even penguins stand on the shore just shaking their heads. I know I sound like Goldilocks, but warm water is just right.

Irrigation is another purpose water serves. I can't think of anything to say about that.

As Americans, we take water for granted. In many other countries, water is no laughing matter. But this post is supposed to be a lighthearted romp, so I won't say anything about that, either. (But check out www.water.org and don't say I sent you.)

In fact, I think I've said everything there is to say about water. Oh, except that our eyes produce their own water when we hear a good joke or someone we know is killed in a mine shaft explosion. Be careful to keep your mouth closed, though, when tears are running down your face. They contain salt, and you could die laughing.