My Personal Academy of the Overrated

In Woody Allen's 1979 masterpiece Manhattan, Diane Keaton and Michael Murphy play lovers who try to impress Allen by rattling off a partial list of what they call the "Academy of the Overrated," including such luminaries as Goethe, Jung, Lenny Bruce, Norman Mailer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Isak Dinesen, and, to Allen's disbelief, Ingmar Bergman. He says, "I think those people are all terrific, every one that you've mentioned. What about Mozart? You guys don't want to leave him out. I mean, while you're trashing people..." We never do find out whether Mozart is on their list, but I've always wondered what such a list of my own might look like. So I'm about to prove I can be as pretentious as they are. (Your list might well include Manhattan itself, which only shows how subjective this post will be.)

Film: Pleasantville

Pleasantville starts out as nostalgic comedy, then does a complete 180, shaming viewers for enjoying what they've seen so far and spending the rest of the story applauding itself over the way the filmmakers believe things should have been. In the process, it manages to confuse fiction with reality, love with sex, and -- oh, stop me before my blood pressure goes up. (Had Don Knotts even read the script before saying yes to this?)

Singer: Madonna

Madonna is the only singer I know who repeatedly refers to what she does as her "art." Do real artists need to point that out? What exactly is her art, anyway? She's a pop singer posing as some sort of sex symbol who's telling us she's empowering women (or tweens, anyway). But do women really need Madonna telling them anything? I think she's actually telling herself that in an attempt to be the artist she's always reminding us she is. I've heard more than one person say she's no entertainer but that she is a good businessperson. I agree. She's an industry of one, changing her persona the way other people change socks, trying to stay relevant by upping the shock factor. She's on the cover of the new issue of Cosmo, and the header reads, "Madonna -- Need We Say More?" Yes, actually, a lot more, because I still don't get her. She's been wearing the empress's new clothes all these years. If she represents power, someone should turn off the juice. Her pretensions are exceeded only by her arrogance. Once, during an interview, she said Lady Gaga's music was "reductive," and when the interviewer asked what that meant, she replied, "Look it up." Need I say more?

Writer: Stephen King

His detractors say his novels need an editor with a chainsaw. I think maybe his characters need to go to military school. They're like undisciplined offspring whom King can't keep under control. It's one thing when characters take on a life of their own; I believe that's the most fun a novelist can have. It's another thing when we as readers can see the writer is out of control. It's the way I feel when trying to read his stuff. Bag of Bones was most disappointing -- the most promising opening chapters, then the sense that King was traveling without a map. I've restarted it twice and always hit the same speed bump. On the plus side, On Writing is one of the best books of its kind. Plus, he seems like an awfully nice guy. I just can't read him.

Food: Yogurt

I know, I know -- it's both tasty and good for you. But it looks like pus and almost made me gag the one time I tried it. Same goes for Spam (which doesn't look like pus but rather bologna left out on a highway).

Cartoon character: Scooby-Doo

Personally, I think a cartoon dog should either bark or speak. But Scooby-Doo is some sort of genetic mutation, not quite barking and not quite talking. He sounds as if he's trying not to swallow a mouthful of ball bearings. "Ruh-roh"? That's not human.

TV series: Friends

It's not the worst I've seen, but in proportion to its popularity it might be. Debuting as close as it did on the heels of Seinfeld, it smelled too much like a rip-off to me, and the laugh track wasn't there simply to tell us what was funny, it was there to bludgeon us into submission. The characters and performances were good, and admittedly some of the scripts were funny. But I never got hooked, and I never stop to watch the reruns when I come across them. Also, how could I laugh while feeling sorry for those poor actors who, judging from the actresses' blouses, had to perform in studio temperatures hovering around -20?

TV commercial: Carl's Jr.

Since when are hamburgers supposed to induce orgasms? These supposedly erotic ads also qualify as science fiction, since, as a friend pointed out, there's no way a woman is going to eat 1,200 calories at a clip and still look like that.

Movie actor: Adam Sandler

Sometimes funny on SNL. Never funny since. Probably a nice guy like Stephen King, but so what?

Movie Actress: Shirley MacLaine

It would take a lot for me to dislike the actress who gave us Fran Kubelik in The Apartment (1960), but unfortunately MacLaine makes it easy. She's still a good actress, but she just isn't very likeable in interviews. Of all the lives she's lived, why did she have to pick this one to come back in while I'm around?

Multi-billionaire: Donald Trump

It's the hair. I just can't get past it. Oh, yeah, and the ego, too. Can't forget the ego.

TV personality: Rosie O'Donnell

She was once known as the "Queen of Nice" on daytime TV, remember? Then she decided people might be interested in her opinions, and she turned into Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

State: Texas

Maybe if they just didn't think so much of themselves. No one likes a conceited person, much less a whole state. Texas has a rich and illustrious past; too bad they're still stuck in it. (Would I feel the same if I'd grown up there? Probably not. That's why I count my blessings every night.)

Poet: Maya Angelou

I'm likely stepping on some toes here, as Angelou is obviously some sort of national treasure to much of America. She led a fascinating, multi-faceted life, she survived a horrific childhood and wrote about it beautifully in I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, she was a true role model, and she was really really tall. But note the classification above: Maya Angelou was not a great poet. You can still be an admirable person and not be a great poet, and Maya Angelou was not a great poet. From one of her most beloved poems, "Phenomenal Woman":

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.